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Insane rambling

March 3, 2009

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What am I good at?

Do I fail as a society member?

Those are the two questions that I have been pondering for the past two years.

I wasn’t always like this : I used to think that I am good in most things, and inferior is never a noun to describe myself.

That was, when my world perspective was still constrained in a primary school.

As I grew older, I learnt the hard way that I am not always better than the others. I do not always succeed. And there are many things that I am never good at.

But still I had my pride, I wouldn’t admit myself inferior than anyone, at least in fields that I thought I am good at. (A personality that I had since toddler) That’s why I compete and compare myself with others. That’s why I hate losing, because that makes me doubt myself. Eventhough I have always realized that these are meaningless.

Eventually, I found out bitterly that I am a weakling in many fields. Human interaction, for instance. And eventually academic field become my last line of defense. I hoped, that despite my inability in all other things, I am at least good in one thing. I began giving up competing with others in non-academic field and admitted my weakness. But I still keep my pride. I mind deeply when I think that others think that I am inferior than them, even if admit the inferiority myself.

Even the last line of defense began to shatter since last year.I was well aware of this, and afraid. My self confidence gradually crumble.

What haunted me was the thought that I have never wished to face : I am good in nothing and good for nothing.

Probably I should digress before I continue rambling about this.

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To learn and understand why the Laws of Nature works, is my passion that has persisted since childhood. That is one of the few things that I would work hard and sacrifice solely for the sake of passion, not competing with others. And I wish, that one day, like the great scientists whom biographies I have read when I was a child, I can make some contribution to the understanding of nature. Even if it is just a minor one.

The passion stubbornly stays though my self confidence began to collapse. Occasionally I remind myself, that this passion, is what drives me to NUS. Not because I want to be better than the others, or whatsoever reason like that.

But, would I really be able to do so? Especially when there are so many other people out there, whom abilities lie in the realms that I could never reach? Especially, when people having the equal or greater strength than me, are everywhere?

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Sometimes I wonder why I would do what the other won’t to accomplish what I wish. My projects for instance, which i have spent hours and money more than my peers. Though, I could only admit in blush, that my efforts were rather inefficient.

Passion is what drive me this far.

But is it possible, that the main reason is, I wish to prove my worth? That I am not good in nothing?

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Why, do I still feel the grief? Despite the fact that all these are meaningless, especially when all your life history will fade quickly to the oblivion after death, after the collapse of civilization, after our universe becomes nothing but empty space filled only with imaginary partcles?

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For those who actually bother about me (whom I own a thousand thanks), I am fine. This is just one of my frequent insane rambling these days, and I need some avenue to express them. Sorry for troubling you guys with these rubbishes though 😛

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Alvin permalink
    March 3, 2009 11:39 pm

    Hola! There’s always someone better than you but there’s always someone worse off than you what! Life’s too short to care about such things. Stay happy and keep helping me with tutorials hahahahaha…

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